The Space Zombie Jesus Has Risen; Let’s Hide Eggs!

20110424-090511.jpgHappy Easter everyone! I rose out of bed this morning in the same way that Jesus did on Easter: feeling hungover, and surprised that I’m still alive.

Telestial State recognizes that our readers come from a wide variety of religions (just kidding, most of our readers come from Utah). So although we may not be that ‘religious’ ourselves, we have decided to get into the Easter spirit by dying eggs, and hiding them in Orrin Hatch’s office. What’s that you say, he’s on vacation and won’t be returning for several days?

Days-old rotting Easter eggs are truly the gift that keeps on giving.

We hope that everyone out there has a pleasant Easter Sunday! And to quote our good friend Senator Jon Kyl: “Over 90% of Easter traditions and symbols are pagan.”

That was not intended to be a factual statement.

A Private Letter to Tim DeChristopher (But You Can Peek)

C’mon Tim DeChristopher. Cuh-mon.

“Six Utahns associated with climate activist and convicted energy lease auction imposter Tim DeChristopher were among 30 arrested in and around the U.S. Capitol in recent days for disrupting government activities, including House floor debate.”

“Six Utah climate activists arrested at U.S. Capitol.” Jesus Fucking Christ, Tim DeChristopher. Can you stay out of trouble for 5 minutes?! You’re like an older Dennis the Menace, only more carbon-neutral, and balder. Look Tim, I admire what you’re doing for the environment — really, I do — but you get into more trouble than a hipster riding a bull in an ironic china shop.* Every single time I turn on the Internet, I see another headline like “Tim DeChristopher arrested for making out with the environment in front of children” or “Tim DeChristopher and the environment get really drunk and text Barack Obama.”

Tim, I know you like getting into all sorts of antics. But your antics are starting to make you look like a, well, criminal. Don’t get me wrong: you’re not a criminal. But people who don’t know you as well as I do (p.s. this is your sister by the way), may get the wrong impression about you.

So here’s my suggestion: can we just make you a congressman already? Think about it. Members of Congress commit all sorts of crimes… but they get paid for it. Prostitutes, drugs, bribes… and those are just misdemeanors. Just imagine the felonies you would get away with.

Except you’re a good person. You aren’t interested in prostitutes, drugs and bribes. You’re interested in saving the environment. You would use your Congressional powers for good. Probably. It would be like that movie Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, I assume. I don’t know, I’ve never seen it.

Seriously, think about it. In the meanwhile, please stay out of jail. You don’t look good in orange.

Trust, me. I’m your sister.**

 


*Sorry, was that racist? I meant to say “a hipster riding a bull in an ironic Asian-American shop.” My bad.

**I am neither Tim DeChristopher’s sister nor his brother. But I have seen him naked.

Orrin Hatch Doesn’t Want You to Have Any Fun

You know when you’re hanging out at home watching hardcore pornography on the television while gambling your life savings away playing poker online, alternating between sensuously massaging your nether bits and going all in*? You know, Wednesday?

Orrin Hatch doesn’t want you to be able to do either. He wants you to entertain yourself the same way he did growing up: with hoop and stick and shame.

Despite the fact that he has no data to back up his claims, Hatch says pornography (you know, sexual stuff performed between consenting adults, then viewed by other consenting adults) is harmful enough and dangerous enough for the federal government to get involved – unlike alcohol, fast food, and Wall Street which the federal government has no place regulating.

All of this is on the heels of the U.S. shutting down three of the top online gambling sites, allegedly because of fraud but probably because:

  1. Gambling is of the devil and is a sure-fire way to burn in hell.
  2. The federal government wasn’t making enough money from it.

So now your Wednesday nights are going to have to be spent masturbating to E!’s Top 20 Swimsuit Bodies while playing computer solitaire – for which you can thank, at least in part, Orrin Hatch.


*Writing this made me realize all of the sexual euphemisms from poker – “all in,” “the flop,” “back door.” I should play more often.

The NHL is Really Bad With Geography; Nobody Gives a Shit

NHL thinks Salt Lake City is in Arizona”. You stupid, stupid fucks. Only a RETARDED IDIOT with a 3RD GRADE EDUCATION would think that Salt Lake City is in Arizona. YOU FUCKING RETARDED FUCK-TARDS.

Just kidding. Salt Lake City is kind of a crappy town, so I don’t blame anyone for not knowing where it is. In fact, 94% of Salt Lake City citizens don’t even know who the Vice-President is, let alone what state they’re in. THIS IS A VERIFIED FACT. I CHECKED WITH WIKIPEDIA.

I would like to point out that I’ve lived in Salt Lake City for 17 years (actually 4, but whatever), and even I have NO IDEA who the Vice-President is. Al Roker? That gay nerdy brother from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? I don’t really know. All I know is that the Vice-President is a BLACK GUY.

I was going to end this blog post with a racist joke about black guys not knowing what the NHL is, but that would be RACIST. SO STOP ASKING ME TO REPEAT THE JOKE.

I’ll post it to Twitter instead.

Utah Lawmakers Lean Far Right, Tip Over, Break Hip

Break out the non-alcoholic bubbly, boys! We did it! We mother-effin did it. “Utah lawmakers lean far, far right.” Not ‘slightly’ right. Not ‘somewhat’ right. Not ‘far’ right. Not ‘left’ right. But far, far right!! This is very exciting news. Karl Rove must be rolling in his grave!

No, not really. Everybody knows that Karl Rove was cremated.

This news is of particular interest to me. I was raised in Utah and/or by wolves, I spent three terms as the mayor of Magna (just kidding, I’m a woman*), I was the campaign manager for Jon Huntsman’s 2008 reelection campaign (just kidding, I’m a woman*), and I starred in A Streetcar Named Desire** last summer in Tuacahn. I played the streetcar. As my travels have taken me across the great state of Utah during the past few  years, I’ve come to a very important realization: the people of Utah truly are far right. Far, far right. Like, on a medieval level.

I once saw a man hit his wife for not making a sandwich out of capitalism, while they were having sex. True story.

The news “Utah lawmakers lean far, far right” shouldn’t surprise anyone. Of course they do! America lawmakers always reflect American ideals, every single time. America lawmakers are never more extreme than the people they represent. To even suggest that Utah lawmakers lean far, far right, while Utah itself is somewhat centrist, is blasphemous treason.

I’m glad that Karl Rove isn’t around anymore to hear people make such offensive claims.


*I’m not a woman.

**Who the fuck names a streetcar “Desire”? Damn hippie parents.

Happy 4/20 Day, You Lazy Stoners

Happy 4/20 day, Utah! Don’t forget to smoke a joint and get yourself locked up in jail, you dirty hippie. “But why is marijuana illegal and alcohol legal, if marijuana is safer than alcohol?”, says a rational argument.

SHUT UP THIS IS AMERICA LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT YOU WANT THE TERRORISTS TO WIN TEA PARTY FREEDOM CHARLIE SHEEN FLAGS WALMART.

Sorry about that rant. I’m a little stoned.

Burn, Baby, Burn!

Burn, Baby, Burn!
A new wave of conservatism has announced itself in the free-thinking state of Utah. It’s the Book Burning party. They burn books, they burn the authorities … hell, they burn each other! They’re committed to the concept that all men are not created equal (women even less so) and those who don’t measure up with their words should be destroyed. Calling on socially-solidifying acts like book burnings, these hearty outlanders want to send a clear message to those whose liberal, free-thinking ways are not in lock-step with their own marching orders.

Book Burners Unite
It takes a strong commitment to restrained thought and controlled actions for anarchists and arsonists to strike the match of religious indignation. Mainstream, modern thought is no hindrance to the religious soldiers fighting on the front lines of fascism and radical social degeneration. They call on all supporters of limited thought and religious repression. These vaunted protectors of ignorance and sublimation have found a new rallying cry.

Torching the Truth
The thought of finding new concepts, ideas, and perceptions is an abomination before Heavenly Father and all that works against the celestially-centered is anathema for these Followers of Fire. This new political group has chosen the name “Burning Brethren” and cite their ecclesiastical mandate to cleanse the world of all thoughts and ideas counter to their mandate of abstention from learning and understanding.

Let Us Gather at the Fireside
Like so many of their predecessors, the Burning Brethren have chosen to isolate themselves from modern excesses, choosing instead to revert back to a simpler, more propagandized time when people followed religious leaders without question or comment. No critical voices are allowed in their highly-ordered world and the resultant silence provides the foundation for complicity. “Never mind clothing or hairstyles, it’s what’s inside that counts and the more barren the vessel, the better its ability to be filled with righteousness,” stated one of the group’s followers holding a hot dog to the flames. Together, the Brethren have learned to remain ostracized from mainstream thought and culture.

“All We Want is to Be Left Alone”
According to the testimony of Brother Conflagration, known affectionately as “Mr. Matchstick” amongst his flock of followers, the Burning Brethren have no desire for social intercourse with others. “We just feel our way of thinking and our desire to limit the intellectual capacity of our congregation helps serve Heavenly Father. No one can question His authority and dominion over our people when they can’t write or think properly. This serves His purposes for us.” When asked what he feels is the most compelling reason to emolliate epistles, Brother Conflagration states, “Anything that runs counter to our beliefs and ways is a threat that must be dealt with inside of Heavenly Father’s laws … so we burn, just like others have done over the ages”.

One Gospel, One Heart, One Brain
Members of the Brethren point to the mantra they often recite when undertaking a burning, “One gospel, one heart, one brain”. When asked what this means, Sister Scorch, aka “Heavenly Father’s Flamethrower”, speaks up with conviction. “We don’t need to understand Heavenly Father. Our leaders do that for us. All we need to do is what they tell us and everything will be fine. It saves us from having to do all that thinking and reading and such. This way we can spend our time on the really important stuff in life.”

Future Plans
When asked about the future for the Brethren, the leader says there’s much yet to be done. “When Heavenly Father tells me to burn something or someone, I don’t ask why, I just do it. And from what Heavenly Father says, there’s lots of things that need a good old-fashioned burnin’ out there!” Brother Conflagration sees opportunity in many places. “Those White Supremacists and Klu Klux Klan guys got nothing on us … we’re gonna set them straight and then we’re gonna move on to the more mainstream people, like televangelists and Baptists,” he says with conviction as he tosses a copy of Tom Sawyer onto the pile. “When we get done here,” he says with a smile, “We’re gonna go find us some of them liberal politicians and teach ‘em good about getting’ tarred and feathered!”

Nobody Sees an Invisible Gorilla, According to Award-Winning Reasearchers

Here’s a story on KSL.com about an invisible gorilla interrupting a basketball game, as discovered by researchers at the University of Utah. People sat around watching a video about non-professional basketball players (WBNA?), and were given an iTunes gift card every time they said “Holy shit, did you see that monkey?!” Seriously. Like, I’m not even making this up.

Now for those of you who are currently eating breakfast and saying to yourselves “lolz, this sounds like a stupid waste of tuition moniez,” may I remind you guys that the University of Utah has a Nobel Prize winner.

Shut up cancer. I’m trying to watch a tv show about invisible gorillas.

As a Literate, Jon Huntsman is Unqualified for the GOP

jon huntsman will not be on the Republican GOP ticket for the 2012 presidential raceThe Republican Party is apparently attempting to submarine any potential presidential run by former Utah governor Jon Huntsman by showing his darker side – that he is able to write.

In leaked letters which give tepid praise (of President Obama with phrases like “it has been a great honor getting to know you” and using “well-read” and “hard working” as descriptors of Hillary Clinton), Jon Hunstman displays a reasonable amount of penmanship and, therefore, has been all but removed from the 2012 presidential race. The GOP and their presidential ticket apparently want no part of him if he has anything non-caustic to say about the current administration (let alone if he makes it known in such an elitist manner as with pen and paper).

It doesn’t matter how many motorcycles he rides or REO Speedwagon songs he covers, Republicans don’t want a guy who can form complete sentences – especially when those sentences aren’t being used to unearth a birth certificate or lower taxes .

Mural with Bikini-Clad Woman Sparks Criticism, Second Coming

This is currently the most popular story on the Salt Lake Tribune’s website:

“Mural with bikini-clad woman, LDS Temple on fire sparks criticism”

A ‘controversial’ mural in Cottonwood Heights of a bikini lady and a burnin’ temple has enraged a couple of citizens. As a result, the enraged citizens have burned down the State Capital and made Glenn Beck the new governor or something. It was a long story, I didn’t really read it.

In any case, Happy Monday, Utah! The most popular story on the Tribune’s website is about a picture of a bikini lady! Please go drown yourselves in the Great Salt Lake, every single one of you.