Romney Campaign Preempts Inevitable Flip-Flopping

Mitten’s campaign has a new tagline – “The Etch-A-Sketch Candidate.”

Courtesy Romney campaign spokesman Eric Fehrnstrom, the candidate has already begun his retreat from the fringe right as his nomination looks more and more to be a lock. Explaining how, in the fall, Romney can win over general independent voters after a campaign that has seen candidates pulled farther to the right, Fehrnstrom said:

Well, I think you hit a reset button for the fall campaign. Everything changes. It’s almost like an Etch A Sketch. You can kind of shake it up and restart all over again.


Multiple Choice Mitt should have fun shaking his Etch-A-Sketch hard and furious* to erase his typical right-sided responses on issues like contraception, climate change, and immigration. Santorum took the opportunity to tweet a picture of himself tenderly holding an Etch-A-Sketch and saying that he was “studying Romney’s policy positions”, and Democratic consultant Matt Ortega whipped up Confusingly-still-in-the-race-Newt went to a campaign stop with an Etch-A-Sketch and handed it to a child** in the front row, saying “You can now be a presidential candidate.” I suspect that’s how many of these people (Perry, Cain, Bachmann, Gingrich, Santorum, Romney, et al) came up with the asinine idea that they could be president.

Following a solid win in Illinois, Romneybot 3000 also beeped with joy to receive the nomination of Jeb Bush, a sign to many that the long and protracted primary season will come to an end. Fearing a brokered convention that could leave the party fractured and weak heading into November, many are pinching their nose and swallowing Romney† to organize any semblance of a campaign that could challenge Obama. Outspending Santorum nearly 4-1, Romney’s knocked his delegate totals up to 522 or just shy of half the required amount.

The primary that never ends may be in the ninth inning, but that doesn’t mean the fun has to end.

*Apologies for making you think of Mittens masturbating.

**I’m fairly sure that taking a child to a Gingrich event constitutes child abuse. I’ve notified DCFS.

†Apologies for making you think of swallowing a steaming hot dose of Mittens.