Category Archives: charlie sheen

Mary Kaye Huntsman Dress Shopping for Inauguration

Just when things couldn’t wackier in the pre pre pre presidential hopeful race-a-majig, Jon Huntsman cryptically throws his weird little temple hat into the ring. Am I the only one who thinks Huntsman is a hop, skip and a jump away from being the next George Jr.? Yeah, maybe his dad’s curing cancer or solving world hunger, but his kid is a dip shit.

Ok, so I may have not bothered to research any of his political viewpoints, but I just couldn’t get past the frightening look on Mary Kaye’s frozen face, or the fact that he’s neck to neck with Madonna and the Pitt/Jolie’s for World’s Most Pretentious Multi-National Family.

Allow me to make my case more clearly:

1.) Huntsman Jr. is bilingual.
a.) My cleaning lady is bilingual.

2.) Huntsman Jr. was an active Boy Scout.
a.) Ted Bundy was an active Boy Scout.

3.) Huntsman Jr.’s father is a philanthropist.
a.) Charlie Sheen’s father is a philanthropist.

And if this was not enough, Donald Trump has bowed out of the race, making room for a grossly off-balance pseudo-candidate to take his spot. Good thing I’m already losing sleep at night wondering if I’m one of Governor Arnold’s unclaimed children, as this new development is enough to take me over the edge.

I’m truly disturbed.

Scott Cowley Applies to Be an Intern for the Worst Person on the Planet

This is a picture of Boring Scott Cowley, holding up a bottle of Naked juice for some reason. There isn’t any vodka in that bottle of Naked juice, because Scott graduated from BYU. I know what you’re thinking: “Does drinking Naked juice without vodka make you ineligible for a Pell Grant?” Yes, it does. Don’t ask me how I know this. Scott currently works for a Utah company called Zagg, which makes condoms for iPhones and iPads. No, the condoms are not ribbed for your iPhone’s pleasure. I learned the hard way.

So why bring up Boring Scott Cowley in the first place?

BECAUSE HE’S APPLYING TO BE AN INTERN FOR CHARLIE “THE FEDEX OF SEXUAL DISEASES” SHEEN.

I’ll wait, while your head spins all the way around, Exorcist-style. Let me know when you’re done.

If you’re anything like me, you are very confused by this news. (You’re probably also drunk, because you’ve been drinking Naked juice all morning.) How would a boring, sober Mormon be an effective intern for Charlie Sheen? How would that even work? That’s like Adolf Hitler applying for an internship with the Anti-Defamation League. (And yes, I am aware that Hitler is already dead. I looked it up on Wikipedia.)

The City Weekly (“We’re better than you!” ™) recently interviewed Boring Scott Cowley, where he stated: “I suspect that Charlie has some very intelligent people helping him stay in the spotlight.” Does Boring Scott Cowley even know who Charlie Sheen is?! If Charlie had intelligent people around him, he would be in a hospital and/or jail.

Boring Scott Cowley then continued with the following #winning gem:

“I think Utah is the place for Charlie. I think he would love the planetarium and the Salt Lake City nightlife. I’d definitely give him a tour of Temple Square—that would be a major win.”

Boring Scott Cowley wants to take Charlie “The Walgreens of Illegal Drugs” Sheen on a tour of Temple Square. Remember that episode of The Odd Couple where Felix and Oscar got into a huge argument over their differences, and then Felix ended up brutally stabbing Oscar in the throat?

Anyway, I hope Boring Scott Cowley totally gets the internship.