Scott Cowley Applies to Be an Intern for the Worst Person on the Planet

This is a picture of Boring Scott Cowley, holding up a bottle of Naked juice for some reason. There isn’t any vodka in that bottle of Naked juice, because Scott graduated from BYU. I know what you’re thinking: “Does drinking Naked juice without vodka make you ineligible for a Pell Grant?” Yes, it does. Don’t ask me how I know this. Scott currently works for a Utah company called Zagg, which makes condoms for iPhones and iPads. No, the condoms are not ribbed for your iPhone’s pleasure. I learned the hard way.

So why bring up Boring Scott Cowley in the first place?


I’ll wait, while your head spins all the way around, Exorcist-style. Let me know when you’re done.

If you’re anything like me, you are very confused by this news. (You’re probably also drunk, because you’ve been drinking Naked juice all morning.) How would a boring, sober Mormon be an effective intern for Charlie Sheen? How would that even work? That’s like Adolf Hitler applying for an internship with the Anti-Defamation League. (And yes, I am aware that Hitler is already dead. I looked it up on Wikipedia.)

The City Weekly (“We’re better than you!” ™) recently interviewed Boring Scott Cowley, where he stated: “I suspect that Charlie has some very intelligent people helping him stay in the spotlight.” Does Boring Scott Cowley even know who Charlie Sheen is?! If Charlie had intelligent people around him, he would be in a hospital and/or jail.

Boring Scott Cowley then continued with the following #winning gem:

“I think Utah is the place for Charlie. I think he would love the planetarium and the Salt Lake City nightlife. I’d definitely give him a tour of Temple Square—that would be a major win.”

Boring Scott Cowley wants to take Charlie “The Walgreens of Illegal Drugs” Sheen on a tour of Temple Square. Remember that episode of The Odd Couple where Felix and Oscar got into a huge argument over their differences, and then Felix ended up brutally stabbing Oscar in the throat?

Anyway, I hope Boring Scott Cowley totally gets the internship.

Chris Matthews Just Destroyed Mitt Romney’s Campaign, Forever

Remember way back in 2007, before Charlie Sheen was on Twitter, when there was a little group called “Gays for Giuliani”? Oh course you don’t. The Internet didn’t exist yet, so you were probably outside getting some fresh air.

In 2007,  a bunch of homosexuals called Gays for Guiliani told America that Rudy Giuliani actually did support gay rights, which caused Republican primary voters to immediately pray to Christian Jesus on behalf of Giuliani’s soul. Fast forward to 4 years later, cross-dressing joke, cross-dressing joke, cross-dressing joke, and now everyone has forgotten all about Rudy “I Only Wear Women’s Clothes on 9/11″ Guiliani. All because he was shown to be a closet moderate. Thanks for nothing, homosexuals.

This past week, or whenever, Mitt Romney’s interns announced on Twitter and YouTube and the newspapers (Just kidding! What’s a newspaper!) that he will become the next Muslim-in-Chief in 2012. Not if Chris Matthews has his way!

“Here’s my salute to the guy whose got the guts to say the truth as he knows it and not shoot spitballs. His name is Mitt Romney. The other day he says the President was born here, and that’s the end of it as far as he’s concerned. He wants to debate the issues, the issues important to the country.”

Chris Matthews just accused Mitt Romney of being a closet moderate. Did you hear that sound? The sound of millions of Republican primary voters praying to Christian Jesus on behalf of Romney’s soul for not believing that Obama is a terror-Muslim-Lex-Luthor?
Thanks for nothing, Chris Matthews/homosexuals.