Barack Obama pulls a dusty skeleton key from his breast pocket and blows on it. He jangles the thousand-year old padlock, inserts the key, and then patiently leans against the large metal door until it budges. He enters the massive storage locker, and walks briskly past Amelia Earhart’s crashed plane, Jimmy Hoffa’s skeleton, and the Arc of the Covenant. He sees the small safe in the corner of the storage locker and enters the combination: 666. He opens the safe, and is immediately bathed in a pale light. He has found the item that will alter history forever.
“Finally!” he cackles loudly. “Soon those fools will know the truth!” He then raises his long-form birth certificate into the musty air, in a massive storage locker, in a hollowed out volcano, in Hell.