Jesus Hearts Football!

This writer has been puzzling for years as to why winning athletes will publicly thank Jesus or God for their performance in a winning game. I used to believe that He didn’t give a shit about that stuff. So much so that in the past one could find me yelling obscenities at whoever dare make such a claim. But thanks to a recent KSL news article this egregious error in thinking has been corrected. This article reveals the obvious truth: Jesus blesses return missionaries with athletic and super-human abilities (especially if they are black). Apparently Jesus not only cares about the outcome of sporting events, he also gives a little somethin’ somethin’ to those extra special folks who devote two whole years pretending like they know what they’re talking about.

Michael Alisa, a BYU football player and RM, revealed that he not only was better at football when he returned home, he was also less of a retard.

“(One of my friends) got his call to Costa Rica like four days before I got my call,” Alisa said. “So when I opened my call and read that I was going to Puerto Rico, I called up (this friend) and said, ‘Hey, we‘re going to the same mission!’ (He) then told me that I was going to Puerto Rico which isn‘t even that close to Costa Rica so that was kind of funny. I obviously had no idea where Puerto Rico was or anything about it.”

Thank you God for helping Mr. Alisa learn geography. With your assistance he can become the next Anderson Cooper – unless he becomes the next Steve Young, or Mr. Incredible. Thank you Jesus for making me the best writer since Ernest Hemingway. Thank you Allah for keeping my genitals healthy through SO MANY sexual partners. Hallelujah!