Scott Cowley Applies to Be an Intern for the Worst Person on the Planet

This is a picture of Boring Scott Cowley, holding up a bottle of Naked juice for some reason. There isn’t any vodka in that bottle of Naked juice, because Scott graduated from BYU. I know what you’re thinking: “Does drinking Naked juice without vodka make you ineligible for a Pell Grant?” Yes, it does. Don’t ask me how I know this. Scott currently works for a Utah company called Zagg, which makes condoms for iPhones and iPads. No, the condoms are not ribbed for your iPhone’s pleasure. I learned the hard way.

So why bring up Boring Scott Cowley in the first place?


I’ll wait, while your head spins all the way around, Exorcist-style. Let me know when you’re done.

If you’re anything like me, you are very confused by this news. (You’re probably also drunk, because you’ve been drinking Naked juice all morning.) How would a boring, sober Mormon be an effective intern for Charlie Sheen? How would that even work? That’s like Adolf Hitler applying for an internship with the Anti-Defamation League. (And yes, I am aware that Hitler is already dead. I looked it up on Wikipedia.)

The City Weekly (“We’re better than you!” ™) recently interviewed Boring Scott Cowley, where he stated: “I suspect that Charlie has some very intelligent people helping him stay in the spotlight.” Does Boring Scott Cowley even know who Charlie Sheen is?! If Charlie had intelligent people around him, he would be in a hospital and/or jail.

Boring Scott Cowley then continued with the following #winning gem:

“I think Utah is the place for Charlie. I think he would love the planetarium and the Salt Lake City nightlife. I’d definitely give him a tour of Temple Square—that would be a major win.”

Boring Scott Cowley wants to take Charlie “The Walgreens of Illegal Drugs” Sheen on a tour of Temple Square. Remember that episode of The Odd Couple where Felix and Oscar got into a huge argument over their differences, and then Felix ended up brutally stabbing Oscar in the throat?

Anyway, I hope Boring Scott Cowley totally gets the internship.