Mormons Aren’t Better Than You, Unless You’re Human

This is how this game works. I’ll write a totally obnoxious, pretentious headline, and you tell me which website it came from. Ready? Here is the headline: “Are we just ‘this much better’ than the world?”

QUESTION. Did that headline come from:

a.) A Justin Bieber fan site
b.) A gossip blog about Glee
c.) The Deseret “News”

ANSWER. That headline came from: The Inside of a Rat’s Tight Asshole. I also would have accepted the Deseret “News.”

Yes, this pretentious lil’ column by Becky Thomas is from the Deseret “News”, which is the name of a fun religious gossip website that used to be a newspaper in the 1800s. Once you get past columnist Becky Thomas’ overbite (shouldn’t the Deseret News’ health care plan have taken care of that by now?), you’ll notice that this column isn’t about Beliebers and Gleeks and other Gay People, but is actually about the Mormon philosophy of “being in the world but not of the world.”

What exactly does this weird little philosophy mean, aside from nothing? You’re in luck, because I actually used to belong to the Quorum of the Celebrities Twelve, so I understand a little about the “belonging to the world but a penny saved is a penny earned by birds of a feather flock together will choose the right” philosophy.

Let me explain!

  • “being in the world” = this is the Mormon belief that people live somewhere in the world, i.e. they aren’t aliens.
  • “but not of the world” = this is the Mormon belief that people should live underground, never drink coffee, have sex in giant bubbles, and vote for Mitt “The White Horse” Romney.

There. Understand?

Non-Mormons often accuse Mormons of being “smug,” “superior,” “total douche-nozzles,” and “Glenn Beck.” But this isn’t true! As Becky Thomas’ Huge Overbite points out, Mormons don’t think they’re better than you at all… they’re just better than everyone and everything in the world. As in, you.

Let’s let Becky Thomas’ Huge Overbite explain, in a cute example about out-of-this-world fashion:

On the flip side, I love seeing the contrast between the standards of the church and the world. I just attended a Junior Miss Pageant in Utah, and was amazed at the modesty of the girls’ outfits. They were not just “this much better” than the world; they were far from the standards of the world!

In summary, Mormons are aliens. Amen.